In a recent story on Reader’s Digest.com from March 9, 2024, Jamie Boleyn from Emmett, Idaho shared a touching account about his mother during her divorce. Faced with new worries of no income, mounting bills, and the inability to afford groceries, she began to find boxes of food outside their door every morning. This anonymous act of kindness continued for months until she secured a job, and they never discovered who their “food angels” were. These silent benefactors truly saved their lives.
Compassion heals. It holds incredible power because it says, “I’m with you,” “I am here to help,” “Cast your burden on me,” and “I believe in you.” We are drawn to stories of compassion, and we strive to emulate such acts towards others. This is both good and right.
When we show compassion to those suffering or in pain, something profound happens. A weight lifts from their hearts as they realize someone cares, that they are valued. The deep knots of unresolved emotional injury begin to loosen and gradually disappear.
However, while we often extend compassion and kindness to others, we find it challenging to offer the same to ourselves. In our own times of suffering or pain, we can become our harshest critics. Instead of kindness, we bombard ourselves with negative thoughts:
“You are not good enough,” “You are a loser,” “Nobody likes you,” “See, I told you, you are a mistake and a failure.” These self-condemnations are deeply painful.
Loving ourselves is just as crucial as loving those around us. Self-compassion and compassion for others are intertwined; they move together like partners in a three-legged race. If one falters, the other does too. One cannot advance without the other. By cultivating self-compassion, we enhance our capacity to be compassionate towards others. We cannot give away what we do not possess within ourselves.
Here are three components that can help you practice self-compassion:
- Mindfulness. Learning to be fully present with yourself and all your experiences, whether good or bad, in all your thoughts, emotions, behaviours, urges, or sensations, without judgment. We must learn to pay attention to them with full awareness and honour them with kindness and curiosity. When they show up, they are showing up for you for a reason. We have to learn to listen carefully to what they are telling us.
- Kindness and Grace. We need to offer ourselves kindness and grace. Learn to be caring, gentle, and warm toward yourself when you are struggling. No matter how hard you try, you will struggle. We will face problems. Sufferings are pervasive and all around us. We can either let our inner critic win or let compassion clothe us in victory.
- Common Humanity. We are all only human. Humans are imperfect and will struggle with suffering. We need to learn to accept who we are – imperfect humans trying our best to live a full a meaningful life.
Learning to practice these three components of self-compassion will make a huge difference in our lives, helping us tolerate pain and distress. It will encourage us and help us follow our inner callings. You see, compassion, whether self-compassion or compassion for others, heals.
30 May, 2024
By Lee Teck Ming, M.A. Counselling (Psychotherapist)
New Vision Counselling and Consultancy 