Meet Your Inner Critic: Friend or Foe?

When I was a young counsellor, I remember a particular session that was unnerving for me.  I was in a session with one of my married couple client.

We started well talking about their improvements in their relationship thus far. They were both laughing away telling me of all the things that they have been doing well together.

Then I began to ask them if any problems have shown up since we last met. All of a sudden, as the husband was speaking, he began to raise his voice to criticize his wife. His temper was very strong and raging.

As I listened to him, I froze. It triggered my painful experiences dealing with anger. For a moment, my mind went blank. Luckily, I managed to bring myself back into the room and be in the present with them. Eventually, we were able to work through their issues.

After the session, I felt guilty and ashamed that I was not able to control myself when the raging anger showed up. My mind began to beat me up telling me how incompetent I was, that I should have been always ready and not freeze.

“See, again, you did not do well,” my mind said. It kept repeating, scolding, and reprimanding me trying to tell me to do better the next time. My inner critic was very strong that day. I’m grateful that I was able to process the experience and learn to manage my inner critic.

My inner critic, your inner critic, can be so hard on us, isn’t it? Today, as one of the steps of healing and growth, we must be willing to meet our inner critic. Are you ready to face your inner critic? It can be quite challenging. If you would like, you can take a moment to pause, slow down, and do a mindfulness exercise to prepare yourself to take this challenging journey together with me.

Sun Tzu, a renowned Chinese military strategist and philosopher who lived during the Eastern Zhou period, said in his book, “The Art of War”, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.

If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained, you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

Basically, he is saying that for a good victory, we must know our enemy. In other words, we must know our inner critic and not avoid it so that victory can be gained.

Activity: Meet Your Inner Critic:
Are we ready? For today exercise, let’s do a little art therapy. Get some materials ready – some colour pens or pencils and some paper.

Now, draw out your inner critic. Be as detailed as you want. Let our imagination run freely. You do not need to be an artist. Just draw out whatever that shows up in your mind and let your hand go.

I have already drawn mine. Let me show you first. This is how my inner critic looks like.

Uh! I don’t like the looks of him. Ugly looking fellow, isn’t he? He has big teeth. His hair is spiky. He has an angry face. And on his right hand, he has a plastic hammer always ready to discipline me, punish me, and correct me.

Now, either on another piece of paper or the same paper, write down how you inner critic shows up when you are struggling? For me, some of his voices are –

• Why are you making the same mistakes again?Why did you fail?
• People will look down on you and your work.
• You are not good enough!
• Other people are better.
• You have not done enough… Painful.

This might be difficult for you. If it is, you might want to take another pause, slow down, and do a mindful exercise to help you be grounded. It is okay to slow down to help you be more present.

Another Question: Why Are Your Here?
Finally, I want you to ask your inner critic another question.

“Why are you here? Or What and how are you trying to help me?”

Be curious. Don’t rush this. Take your time to listen to his voice.

For me, my inner critic is saying, “I want to help you to change.” “If I push and punish you, you will learn, change, and do better next time.”

What is your experience doing this? My experience is that my inner critic actually wants to help me, not to punish me. Hearing his answer, it helped me to see that he has some good intentions.

Although, his behaviour is not helpful, and it can get mean and harsh. He wants the best for me. BUT… He needs to learn to help me in a better different way. A kinder way…

Great job, everyone. I hope this exercise has helped you understand your inner critic better. Thank you for being willing to try this difficult exercise. In the next video, I will introduce you to your compassionate self.

Written by:
Mr. Lee Teck Ming
(Psychotherapist)