Sarah grew up in a home where emotions were unpredictable. Her mother’s moods shifted without warning—laughter could dissolve into silence, warmth into withdrawal, and light conversation into sudden anger. Sarah learned to stay small, to stay quiet, and to believe that her presence was a problem. As an adult, she felt invisible, insecure and empty. Wine became her comfort, her “friend” in her pain—not for celebration, but for escape. It didn’t judge or demand. It simply dulled the ache inside her… until it began to take over.
Sarah’s story isn’t just about addiction and unhealthy coping. It’s about the deeper pain that often fuels it: relational trauma.
What Is Relational Trauma?
Relational trauma happens when early relationships—especially with caregivers—lack emotional safety. It’s not always about abuse. Sometimes it’s the emotional distance, the inconsistency, or the silence that teaches a child:
- “My feelings don’t matter.”
- “I have to hide who I am to stay safe.”
These messages get buried deep. They show up later as shame, trust issues, and difficulty handling strong emotions.
Why Addiction Feels Like Relief
Addiction often starts as a way to cope. Whether it’s alcohol, food, or another behavior, it offers temporary relief from the pain of feeling unworthy or alone. These unhealthy coping methods are not about weakness—they’re about survival. The addiction or unhealthy coping soothes the inner chaos, even if just for a moment.
But that moment is short-lived. Guilt and regret follow, reinforcing the belief that something is wrong with you. And so the cycle begins again.
The Cycle of Shame
- A painful emotion is triggered.
- The person turns to the addiction or other unhealthy coping methods for relief.
- Relief fades, replaced by guilt or conflict.
- Shame deepens, and the cycle repeats.
The addiction isn’t the core issue—it’s a symptom of deeper wounds.
What Healing Really Means
Healing isn’t just about quitting a behavior. It’s about learning to feel safe—within yourself and with others. It’s about recognizing that your feelings do matter, and that you don’t have to hide who you are to be loved.
When we understand addiction and unhealthy coping as a survival response to unmet emotional needs, we can begin to offer compassion, not judgment. And that’s where true healing begins.
New Vision Counselling and Consultancy 