Daniel and Maya had been married for 10 years and had two kids. Life was busy but good. Daniel worked hard, paid the bills, fixed things around the house, and made sure the family had what they needed.
One night, after the kids were asleep, Maya said softly, ‘I don’t feel loved anymore.’
Daniel was shocked. ‘How can you say that? I do everything for you and the kids!’
Daniel thought he was showing love, but his efforts weren’t what Maya needed most—and he couldn’t understand why she felt so distant.
Have you ever wondered why some relationships feel warm, connected, and easy — while others slowly grow distant, even when both people are trying?
The answer often comes down to something simple but powerful: Love Bank and Extraordinary Care.
The Emotional Economy of Love
Think of love like a savings account — not of money, but of emotional connection. Dr. Willard Harley calls this the Love Bank.
- Every time you do something your partner values — kind words, quality time, thoughtful gestures — you make a deposit into their Love Bank.
- Every time you hurt them — criticism, ignoring their needs, breaking promises — you make a withdrawal.
When the balance is high, love grows. Your partner will feel more attracted to you. They will be more willing to reciprocate love and deposit into your love bank. When deposits are few or withdrawals are bigger than deposits, the relationship feels strained — even if no one is doing anything “wrong” on purpose.
Think About Your Friendships
Imagine you have a friend who remembers your birthday, checks in when you’re sick, and celebrates your wins. You’d probably feel close to them — they’re making deposits into your friendship, and you want to stay connected.
Now imagine that same friend starts ghosting you, only reaches out when they need something, and forgets your birthday. You’d feel hurt and drained, and you might not want to be as close anymore.
Romantic relationships are no different — they grow when we offer consistent, meaningful care.
Extraordinary Care in Three Key Areas
If you want to keep your partner’s Love Bank full, focus on three big areas of extraordinary care:
- Emotional Care – Listen, empathize, and connect. It’s about making your partner feel understood and valued.
- Protection – Make your relationship a safe place. Speak with kindness, have their back, and lower their stress, not add to it.
- Partnership – Share the load. Work as a team when it comes to decisions, chores, and dreams for the future.
The Key: Do What Counts for Them
Here’s the tricky part: what counts as a ‘deposit’ is different for everyone. Just like you have your own needs and values, your partner has their own unique ways of feeling emotionally cared for, safe and protected, and supported as a teammate.
You might think working extra hours to provide for the family is a deposit, but your partner might actually be craving your time and attention more than the extra income.
Extraordinary care means finding out what truly fills their Love Bank — and choosing to do more of that.
A Quick Reflection
Ask yourself:
- What fills my Love Bank?
- What fills my partner’s Love Bank?
- What’s one small “deposit” I can make this week?
Have a meaningful discussion with your partner. Love doesn’t thrive by accident — it thrives when we choose to care in the ways that matter most.
Written by:
Mr. Lee Teck Ming
(Psychotherapist and Relational Trauma Repair Therapist)
New Vision Counselling and Consultancy 